A few weeks ago, I posted “My Mother’s Illness and Death: The Unkindness of the Medical Establishment.” I learned something about myself today. I hadn’t forgiven those nurses who hurt me.
I’m a believer in Jesus, and of course forgiveness was one of the main things he talked about. Through the years, he has helped me forgive many, many people who have hurt my feelings. But for some reason it never crossed my mind to forgive these people.
But God showed me that the reason I keep thinking about what the nurses said to me and what they thought of me was because I lacked forgiveness and love for them. Yes, my eyes were opened by God.
I am not a person who talks freely with strangers. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not explaining myself better. Like when nurses would call from the hospital for information on my mother, I realized later I had left out a lot of details. I know this happens because my brain freezes when people talk with me. Especially people with authority.
After talking with me about Mom’s heart and back, one nurse asked me what I gave her for pain. I said, two Tylenol. When I hung up, I thought, “Was she asking about the heart pain or the back pain. Two Tylenol wasn’t enough for the back pain. I used to give her Codeine for that.
One nurse called and asked if my mom was sleeping much. I said, “No, the last week she was only sleeping 2-3 hrs. at a time.” Later in the conversation he said, “Well, shall I write down 4-6 hours?” I knew that was wrong but said, “Okay.” I have no idea why I said that. Maybe just to please him.
So, about forgiveness. I talked with God about it and said, “Okay. I forgive them. I pray you will put that in my mind and heart. I pray I will love them as you do.”
I think it was pride that kept me from forgiving at the outset. I felt shamed by these nurses, even though I knew I was doing a good job looking after my mom. And I still I feel shame for that and the fact they didn’t like me and thought I was awful for not taking Mom home.
Whether the shame will go away or not, I don’t care. I’ve lived with shame since I was a little child. I just want to do what Jesus told everyone to do. Love and forgive.