My brain feels broken. I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve had so many weeks of coping well since my mom broke her hip. Mental illness is like a Jack-in-the-box. The music plays, I am coping well, I dance to the music, then, without warning, the evil clown pops up. The music stops and I’m afraid.
I thought the clown was gone. I thought I had dealt with him and found the secret to happiness and coping well with life in a consistent manner. I thought God and I had this at last.
The problem is my brain beats me up any time I make a mistake. As an example, this morning I poured myself some coffee and remembered the time I made some coffee for my daughter and it was terrible and she poured it down the sink.
This happens to me daily. Something happens and it reminds me of a mistake I have made. When I have made a lot of mistakes in a row, I start losing it. I listen to good music, but it doesn’t help as much as it usually does. I’m praying, yes. But prayer feels different. I’m too full of myself and not enough of God. I go from prayer to thinking sad thoughts. Sad thoughts move into despair. I shake them and they come back.
The one thought that helps me is that I have been through this before and worse. By God encouraging me, I have made it out of darkness into the light. I know this will happen again. I cling to this thought.
Meanwhile, I am cleaning the house, taking care of my mother and making dinners (my nemesis). I don’t share how shaky I feel, because there is no point. No one but God can help me and I know that. I don’t need to make everyone else feel bad.
One small thing that bothers me is not knowing if I can make it to the dentist next week. Will I be able to leave the house? I’m getting more and more afraid of leaving the house unless someone comes with me. I feel like just giving up and canceling the appointment like I have done over the last year and a half.
It has been a hard 6 months. My mother fell, broke her hip and then all the trouble with the hospitals and rehab facility. Then my sweet nephew died. My husband is not happy lately about his life. Nothing I say helps him. I guess it is a miracle I am still coping – sort of. If you can call this coping.
Well, enough of that. I’ve been wanting to write about a beautiful verse on how God makes his footsteps a path for us to walk.
“Righteousness will go before Him and will make His footsteps into a way.” Psalm 85:13
“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne; Loving-kindness and truth go before You.” Psalm 89:14
The lyrics from the song, “Feel Your Love,” by Don Moen and Frank Edwards have helped me too.
It’s in your name that I found love.
I give you praise for all you’ve done.
You call me by my name, I wll trust in you.
I feel your love surround me.