I Lied.

I was reading a blog today about what causes us to sin. I thought about the sin I committed just 2 days ago. Someone asked me where their canvases went (for painting pictures) and I immediately said, “I don’t know.”  But I DID know. I ran out of canvas and used hers. I was going to buy her some new ones to take their place, but I had forgotten.

I gave her one of my canvases and she was happy. But when I was at prayer last night, the Lord convicted me that I must confess my sin to her and apologize. I will do that when she comes over this week.

What really, really got me was the fact that I lie so rarely I can’t even remember the last time I did. But I know why I have lied in the past and I know why I lied 2 days ago. I was afraid.

I was afraid she would be mad at me for using her canvas without asking first. My past lies were to my husband because I was afraid he would get mad at me. So I would lie about what I bought or lie about lots of things that I knew would make him angry.

I’m very ashamed of my behavior, but I realized I haven’t really prayed about my fears. Social phobia is part of my mental illness. I am terrified of being around people now. I wasn’t always this way, but after I had a mental breakdown, I became afraid of everything.

I was afraid of flying, driving over a bridge, shopping, going to church, meeting people, social situations etc. I went to two anxiety clinics which did help me with the flying and bridges; but I’ve never gotten over social anxiety. I was like that in school as a child and teen too, but was better in my thirties and early forties.

I think now is the time to pray about my fear. I have just given into my fear and stayed home as much as I could and I’m very happy here at home. If I do go out, it is usually with my daughters or husband because I’m now terrified of driving! I’m 67 and tired of trying to be normal, but if this fear of mine leads me into sin, then I want Jesus to heal me. I started today to pray about it. I ask for your prayers too.

I think one reason I have never really prayed for God to heal my fears is that I figured it was all bound up in my mental illness and abuse as a little girl. Well, if God wants to heal me, he will; if God doesn’t want to heal me, that’s fine. I’ve asked him to make me aware before I open my mouth not to lie when I’m afraid. I trust him, he will strengthen me to do his will.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “I Lied.

  1. It’s really, truly is tough not to lie sometimes. Sometimes it’s for our own sake, we think. Sometimes it’s for the other person’s sake, we think. In any case, it really is tough to not say lies, no matter how “small white lies” we think they may be.

    Such an honest post, fromt the heart, Belle. This is why we read your writings. Much to learn and be reminded of. Thanks.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Lies are hard to tackle when they protected us in the past. It is definitely not something to be ashamed of as I know that God will understand your fears and you have placed it all before him. I pray He can help guide those old wounds into healing. It is quite a journey of healing. I pray yours is gentle and that you won’t be too hard on yourself because you are a kind hearted and compassionate person. That is what I see the most in you. I don’t want you to punish yourself for something that was inflicted on you by abuse and you could not help and therefore that later affects of that in your life God will find forgivable

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I speak as a person that survived abuse in my teen years. I know very well the fear, the lies told in order to protect one’s self…and that fear is very difficult to let go of. I had a breakdown because of it, I was on medication, and several years of therapy. But the biggest help for me was sitting under a pastor that taught the word of God clearly, and in a way that I finally understood. He spoke truth, not the common misinterpretations. I had my toes stepped on, I was angry, and many times I wanted to give up. But God was always there, patiently waiting for me. The key thing for me is submission to whatever God would have me to do. No, I don’t always succeed in that, but along the way I’m learning to submit, to trust, and strengthen my faith. That has helped greatly with my fears. I’m praying for you, dear one. You are a survivor, and you are His. You are on the right track…just keep chugging along. As you know, with Him, all things are possible.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s