Dreams of Silence.

drams

I’m having more dreams about my mother. I keep dreaming she is hiding the fact my father was sexually abusing me. Last night in my dream she asked my sister and I to hide the evidence. I don’t feel horrible about these dreams. Not like the dreams I had about my father; but I wonder why I have them. I figured I have forgiven her and moved on.

I asked God what I should do about these dreams. He said to just talk to him about my mother’s part in it all. I did, and I will continue to do this until the dreams go away.

The reason I have felt no ill will towards my mother is that I grew up in the 1950s. There were no Women’s Shelters, no welfare, no help at all for women. My mother was a secretary and I think she was paid minimum wage – no benefits at all, of course. She would never have been able to take care of us three kids. I know that.

On top of it all, my brother had severe asthma. He was always sick. He was in the hospital at least once a year; his medications were expensive; doctor visits had to be paid. If my mother left my father, my brother would have had to go to the county hospital and I don’t know how she would have paid for anything else. It was just impossible.

The big memory I have of my mom and me was when I had a growth on my upper thigh. It was so strange looking that I’ll never forget what it looked like. It looked like a cauliflower. When I looked it up, when I was an adult, I found out it was a genital wart. They had to burn it off of me and I remember that well.

At the doctor’s visit, I remember him examining me in a way I’d never been through before. I remember him speaking to my mother and her answering him. I remember driving in the car on the way home; but I don’t remember what was said by anyone. I do remember we got a new doctor after that.

I wish our brains could leave us alone. But I trust God that he made our brains this way for a good reason. I have read we will dream about something until it is resolved. I believe that is true, and I guess that’s why I have no feelings anymore about my father and what he did. It took a long time to reach that resolution – but it happened and I’m happy about that. This is just another thing to resolve and I know God will help me.

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9 thoughts on “Dreams of Silence.

  1. I have dreams too. Sometimes they make no sense to me but I am recording them all and I share them with my therapist. I do hope I keep dreaming sometimes so I can fully understand my past. I want to know what really happened. I have asked God for more assurance and clarity. I will keep talking to him about this. I think my mother knows about my abuse and is hiding it as well. I don’t know how to respond to this yet.

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  2. You will keep dreaming, but you will probably only dream what you can take. My first dream of my father was a loud knocking on a door. I think I told you that. I then started dreaming he was a huge, hairy spider. Then I did have a dream of him coming into my bedroom and whispering something in my ear. The feeling I had was terror, which I always had when I dreamed of him, until after years of therapy. Now, when i see him in my dreams, he is not dangerous to me. Only pitiful. I once said to him in a dream, “I thought you were dead!” Which he was. Lol

    I’m so glad you seem hopeful now and are still going to your therapist. I’ve never talked with my mom about the doctor visit – what I remember etc. I’m not sure she remembers it. But, years ago, when I told Mom that Grandma had told her what was going on, but said you didn’t believe her, Mom said, “I didn’t believe anybody.” That did make me think she might be talking about the doctor, but I didn’t say anything.

    She lives with us and is losing her memory. She no longer remembers my father molested me and his brother molested my sisters. Well, I’m glad she has forgotten. Maybe I’ll live long enough to forget. Lol

    You are on my heart. I’m praying for you. I know God is walking through this with you.

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  3. Oh honey, I so know what you are feeling and going through. For me, I was uncertain the events had actually occurred, I had kept them down for so long and they would only in surface in dreams that I began to think it never happened thinking it was perhaps a wicked sub conscious perversion. The feelings I had made it difficult to accept normal, healthy desires for my husband. I knew I wasn’t dirty but it somehow felt that way. I was fortunate when we also determined that my mother had been unaware. For that I was grateful.

    I went to a doctor who did “muscle testing” or EMDR, I think it is called that (it’s been awhile) and we were able to bring to light all that had happened, verifying the truth and dealing with it. Daddy passed on in 2011. I do not dream of him nor think much about him. I confronted him on his death bed. My pastor spoke with him and his last days he had accepted Christ. I told him that though I hated what he did and that he was forgiven by me, it would now be up to God to forgive him as well. Only God would know he was truly repentant.

    I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was angry. Perhaps the idea and prospect of that frightened him, I don’t know. Perhaps it was me getting a measure of revenge and he didn’t like that. I don’t know what I expected but I assured him that what happened to me worked out in me an inner strength and perception and for that I thanked him.
    I blogged my story: “For the love of me”.

    .One thing, that might be hurting you and I’m no therapist, is making excuses for your mother’s actions. They may be blocking you from moving forward. Yes, there were legitimate “reasons”, but they were still unacceptable. Her fear to make decisions that would be uncomfortable, hurt you and put you in harms way for all those years and it is still haunting you and causing you angst.

    (I just saw your second posting. The response above.) If it helps, I believe when she passes, you will have closure. Knowing that they stand before God was a relief for me. Because whatever flaws they had would be fixed and they will be in a perfect state and no longer my concern. The only thing I mourned was that I did not have a healthy, normal support system growing up. For that, I will always wonder what if…

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    1. Thank you, Jolie. Yes, I do make excuses for my mom. I guess I don’t know any other way than to think about it like that. Yes, I’ll probably have closure when she passes away. She will live with us until I can no longer care for her. I’d never be able to lift her.

      My mother, like everyone, had a good side and bad side. My older sister has never forgiven her for staying with my father. She was not molested by him, but she hated him and feared him. She sees my mom as being distant and cold. That is true; I have seen that side of her many times. She does not have unconditional love for people. They always have to measure up. I’ve learned to accept that. I used to beg her to talk with my older sister, but she wouldn’t because my sister would call her late at night, when she was drunk, yelling at her about her childhood.

      If that were my daughter, I’d do anything to get close to her and have her forgive me about the past. But my mom just wanted me to take her side. I told her I would always love my sister no matter what she did. Mom quit talking with me about it.

      I do remember feeling alone and ignored by my mom. I used to wish I had a good childhood too, but I don’t any longer. I think my suffering has made me a better person than I would have been. My father’s family was full of pride-filled people who wrecked the lives of their children. Many have become Christians because of their suffering, although two of my cousins killed themselves. Still, I believe God understands suicide. I don’t think that would keep someone out of heaven.

      I don’t think my father was sorry for what he did. The last time I saw him was in a nursing home. I was walking beside his wheelchair as my husband pushed him. Dad turned to me and said, “Well, I can’t hurt you anymore, can I?” He didn’t sound apologetic. He sounded like he was sorry I wasn’t afraid of him any longer. I doubt he is saved, although I did forgive him.

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      1. Wow! Sounds like in many ways we had similar parenting. My sister and I look at it as though God entrusted us with their lives. I know a big weight will be lifted soon. I had siblings that felt like yours but I still cared for both parents, despite what they did. At times I felt like I would lose my mind, but with God’s help I got through it.

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        1. I did lose my mind a couple of times! Mental breakdowns. But yes, with God’s help we got through it. He smiles on us as his children. He will make it all up to us one day. We will have the kind of life we were created for.

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