Every night, for the past year or so, I wake up startled as soon as I fall asleep. I wake up fully alert and hungry. I’m trying not to eat late at night, but tonight I cooked myself eggs and cheese in the hope protein won’t pack on the pounds.
I think I know why this happens. All my life I have had nightmares; now, I guess my brain is telling me, “Don’t go to sleep. You will have horrible dreams.” Thank you, brain. Thanks a lot; you are only making me feel worse. I long for sleep.
The dreams used to be about my father. Dreams like a horror story. Waking up screaming, shaking and terrified. Dreams of a sexual nature. Dreams of him driving me in a bus and looking like a maniac. After therapy, I finally dreamed I was driving the bus and not him. That made me feel good.
The latest dreams are about a woman who is choking a baby or child to keep it quiet. Very upsetting. Sometimes the woman is me, as it was last night. I told my husband there was something around the baby’s neck while I was trying to give it a bottle. I couldn’t see what it was that was choking her. Sometimes the woman is someone else. I know the dreams mean for me to keep quiet. Don’t tell anyone.
The little girl inside me says, “No one loves you.” The teenager inside me says, “No one loves you.” But the adult now says, “God loves me, my husband loves me, my children love me, my grandchildren love me and my mother, who is still alive at 89, loves me. But the adult has a hard time controlling the young ones. They don’t listen to me. They don’t believe me.
Why am I writing about this? I don’t know. I probably want pity. Maybe though, I think it might be that I can’t tell many people about this; it would just upset them. My family doesn’t read my blog, so I can say anything here and get it off my chest. Yes, I tell my husband my dreams, but it doesn’t seem enough. I want someone to understand what I go through every single day of my life. How I have to fight to want to even live in this world.
God has given me the will to fight. I quote scripture when I feel bad and I am immediately helped. I can then go through the day with some joy. Sometimes lots of joy, praise God. If I didn’t have God, I’d have nothing. He, “gives me songs in the night.” He gives me hope. He is, “the God of all hope.” He gives me strength, “God is the strength of my life.”