I have been wondering if I should write about this subject and have decided I will in the hope it will help someone going through something similar. But if you don’t want to hear about my sex problems, you better stop reading.
I was sexually used by my father, starting when I was very young. He also abused me physically a few times to keep me in line. I was terrified of him.
I’m 66 now, and still have trouble with sex. Things are definitely better, but I’m still working things out. God has shown me something I thought I would share.
Every Friday, even though I’d had a great week, I began feeling sad. I didn’t know why until I prayed and paid attention to myself. It is because the weekend is coming and I know my husband and I will have sex at some point. After we do have sex, my depression lifts. I don’t have to worry about it for another week.
The thoughts I used to have during sex were not pretty – I will spare you the details. But I couldn’t enjoy the sex any other way, it seemed. I wanted to make my husband happy, and I was; but God was not happy because I was hurting myself.
God has been telling me a long time to quit thinking violent thoughts when I have sex. I tried a few times, but then I would just feel numb. Then one night after sex, I had this sudden urge to scream and keep screaming forever. The urge went away, but when I talked with God he said, “I can’t keep you sane, as you keep asking me to do, if you continue thinking these thoughts.” I pondered that for a few minutes and said, “I’ll try.” Then I said, “No, I promise I will never do it again.”
At that, I felt a powerful presence come over me. I had woken with a headache and it went away immediately. My body had been aching; I felt a softness all over me and the aches were gone. I knew it was the overshadowing of God’s presence. I felt so good and happy. I felt so thankful.
That was two weeks ago and sex with my husband has been great. We tried some new things to help me relax and of course, he is so patient with me and always has been. It is kind of embarrassing to talk with God about all this, but after all, he invented sex! It ain’t my fault! I just want to learn how to live with it and enjoy it and He is helping me.
God always helps me with everything if I come to him about it. I wish I could convey how wonderful it is to have God to go to. People seem to be afraid to give control of their lives over to him. If they only knew! If they only knew what a great person he is! If they only knew how he gives his best to us.